


Eggs

by IRegretNothingAndEverything



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Eggs, Gen, Raw Eggs, This is crack, and this stupid lil au, it's based off of a tiktok i saw and now i cannot stop thinking about it, really - Freeform, that's all this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:13:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29971686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IRegretNothingAndEverything/pseuds/IRegretNothingAndEverything
Summary: Uryu, forced to live with Ryuken after the thousand year blood war, decides to make Ryuken's decision the worst decision that his father has ever made.
Relationships: Abarai Renji & Inoue Orihime & Ishida Uryuu & Kuchiki Rukia & Kurosaki Ichigo & Sado "Chad" Yasutora
Kudos: 8





	Eggs

**Author's Note:**

> No one look at me. This is pure crack and I cannot stop thinking about it. 
> 
> This is the tik tok that made me think of this: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMehyP7bC/

Ichigo comes back out of Ryuken’s house, shoulders shaking and wheezing in laughter. Uryu follows, with a vaguely disgusted look on his face, dragging his tongue over his front teeth, then glancing towards Rukia. “Do you have water?” 

Rukia blinks, looking towards Ichigo as he continues to wheeze laugh, leaning up against Renji, who looks just as confused. She digs through the bag slung over her shoulder, then hands over a water bottle, which Uryu takes with a quiet thanks, then downs it. 

“What’s wrong with him?” Rukia gestures to Ichigo, whose wheezing laugh has calmed to more giggles. Uryu raised an eyebrow, looking over at him. 

“I think he would prefer to tell that.” 

Ichigo snickers again, nodding, and standing up straighter, letting out a breath to try and calm himself. 

“So, we all know Uryu wants to make Ryuken’s life hell for the whole. Forcing him to live here thing.” 

“I mean, that is why we come rescue him every day.” Orihime pipes up, and Ichigo nods to her, shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter once more. 

“I don’t think any of us quite realized how... committed he is to making his life hell?” Ichigo glances to Uryu, then almost breaks into laughter again at the satisfied smug little smile Uryu has on his face. 

“So I go into the house, right, since we know he’s far more likely to relinquish Uryu just to get me out of his house, and the two of them are standing in the kitchen, staring at each other. Uryu is not blinking, and I couldn’t see Ryuken’s face, but I’m willing to bet he wasn’t blinking either. Ryuken is holding an eggshell in his hand, with a pan on the stove. There is no egg in the pan.” 

Here, Ichigo has to pause again, leaning his head into Renji’s shoulder and laughing. Uryu continues to smile rather smugly, which doesn’t help the situation. There’s a confused look shared between the group, Renji sending a look to Chad like ‘your best friend has gone insane’ 

“So I watch, as...” He pauses, laughing softly. “As Ryuken reaches next to him, cracks another egg into the pan, and Uryu, Uryu without hesitation swoops down and just sucks the raw egg into his mouth and continues to stare-” Ichigo pauses, beginning to laugh again, this time joined by the shocked laughter of the others, as Uryu just smiles. 

After a moment, Ichigo calms again, grinning. “And what do I do, except lose my mind, because Uryu is not reacting to the fact that he has two raw eggs in his fucking mouth! And Ryuken turns, and sees him dying, and he just sighs, and tells me ‘Just take him’ doesn’t even put up a fight this time, and Uryu, Uryu isn’t even done yet-” 

Again, Ichigo has to pause to laugh, leaning against Renji still, though Renji has to hold them both up through giggles, the two of them leaning against each other. 

“Uryu leans back over the pan, and Ryuken knows what’s about to happen, because he goes ‘Don’t you-’ and that’s all he gets out, because-” Ichigo snickers, again. “He spits the raw eggs back into the pan and just fucking walks away from him, leaving Ryuken staring into the pan-” 

He sinks down, dragging Renji with them, the two of them on the sidewalk dying of laughter, and Uryu just smiles softly, as if he hadn’t done exactly what the story said. 

“Is that why you needed water?” Rukia asks through shaking laughter, and Uryu’s smile grows, but he doesn’t answer. It’s all the answer she needs, as she also dissolves into giggling. 

Eventually, they’ll manage to get themselves together enough to leave the sidewalk, and actually get to whatever it is they have planned for today, but for now, they just laugh over nothing, a stark difference against what they were used to before.

**Author's Note:**

> Anyways. Now I can think of other things than this.


End file.
